The Birthday Post.

Tell that to my arthritis, dude.

Today I turn 53 years old. I only mention this because it is perhaps one of the most insignificant birthday milestones a person can achieve. It's significant to me only in that - and I am NOT making this up - I never expected to live this long. Honestly, since the age of about 30, I've just been winging it.

See, the plan (such as it was, and if I'm honest, it was never really a plan; it was more like a movie scene I wrote in my own head and played over and over, ad nauseam) was to flame out in a blaze of glory while I was still young. I'm fairly certain I got this idea from Bad Company's song, "Shooting Star," at a time in my life when I saw absolutely no good reason to grow old. 

But then I had a kid. There's nothing quite like being responsible for a helpless human life to rearrange your brain on the idea of cashing out while your hair is still all one color. Suddenly, I wanted very much to grow old. Really old. Like, Dustin Hoffman in Little Big Man old. (Spoiler Alert: if you understand that reference, you're old.) Also, I was not about to do to my daughter what my old man did to my sister and me (which, if you haven't already, you can read about here.) So that meant that blazing out to Bad Company was no longer an option. I had to figure some shit out.

Now I have a teenage daughter, and two teenage step-sons. Which means that I'm having to figure shit out on a minute-by-minute basis. Most days, it goes okay. And on the days it doesn't, well... Scotch.

Here are some other things I've figured out at the insignificant age of 53: for example, I have figured out how to arrange my fluid intake so that I don't have to get up three times a night to hose the porcelain. I've learned that, if a particular joint or muscle group in my body cries out for attention that I should listen. (And that there are grave consequences for ignoring those cries.) I am a much bigger fan of slippers than I ever thought I'd be. Certain shapes of ibuprofen will fit very nicely into your favorite PEZ dispenser. Jokes about adult diapers are less funny than they were ten years ago. It's a good idea to keep at least one pair of reading glasses in EVERY ROOM OF THE HOUSE. 

And finally, I've learned that we're measuring age all wrong. If you are past 40, your age should be determined by the number of times per day, on average, you walk into a specific room for a specific purpose, only to immediately forget why you went in there. 

So. Happy 5th Birthday to me.

Lar