Hello, I'm Irony. And I'm Here To Punch You In The Ding-Dong.

     So, I'm having one of those days that's, you know... okay. No big highs, no valley-esque lows; just rolling through the shit I need to do, and trying to keep from getting distracted by shiny things, and Pandora, and thoughts about possibly being a Jason Bourne-like spy but not knowing it, because my training hasn't kicked in. Yet.

     Then I notice an email from my daughter's English and Language Arts teacher. Boo is in 6th grade, and her ELAR teacher just went on maternity leave. So the email wasn't from her, but her temporary replacement, a guy named Mr. Notusinghisrealname. It's an introductory correspondence; he's letting us know who he is, and how excited he is to be teaching our wonderful children. And then, just three sentences into his email, he writes the following:

     "This is my fourteen years of experience as a Middle School teacher."

     Look at it again. That is the kind of sentence that grinds your brain to a screeching halt. My head literally loaded up with so many questions, it shut down completely; I had to take a nap. What? What exactly is your fourteen years of experience as a Middle School teacher? You didn't talk about any of your experience before you wrote that sentence, so it's not tied to any idea. If you had placed a colon after the word "teacher," and then proceeded to document your fourteen years of experience, that would have made sense. But you didn't do that, either. So what the fuck are you talking about?

     And then it hit me: did he actually mean to write, "This is my fourteenth year of experience as a Middle School teacher." ? Because if that's what he actually meant to write, then I am now in fear for my daughter's Language Arts education for the rest of this year. Dude, seriously. How could you ass-jack one sentence so awfully? Presuming you actually intended to write, "This is my fourteenth year of experience as a Middle School teacher," that sentence would STILL be fucked up.  Why in the hell did you include the phrase "of experience?" Did you think we would believe that you were still a STUDENT in middle school, after fourteen years? And why did you capitalize "Middle School?" It's not a country, or a city. It's goddam middle school. Look, this is all you needed to say:

     "This is my fourteenth year as a middle school teacher." Do you see how easy that is? Know where I learned that? Elementary school. My guess is, you could have let any one of your students proof that email before you sent it out to all of their parents, and they could have saved you some embarrassment. Were you in a hurry? Were you typing on your phone while taking a dump? Please stop rushing; you're there to educate, not race through class like you're Keanu Reeves on a city bus that Dennis Hopper wired to explode if Sandra Bullock takes her foot off the gas. And why the fuck are you taking a dump during class? Pinch it off for 50 minutes, focus, and teach my daughter!

     Probably he wasn't typing that email while taking a dump. But that sentence is out there, now. And I can't stop thinking about it. I am so very pro-educator. You know Will Ferrell's character on SNL, Craig, the Spartan Cheerleader? I'm that guy for teachers. So, Mr. Notusinghisrealname, I'm all about giving you the benefit of the doubt, okay? Everybody makes mistakes. I make em all the time, mostly in the form of garbled lyrics, or poor food choices that make me a hostage to the water closet. I know I'm going to get another email from you soon, and the next one is the pudding in which I will be looking for the proof. Will I read the next one (I really hope) and go, See? That first one was just a gaffe!

     Or will I read the next one and go:

Please don't make me go D'OH.