Denial Monday.

     My daughter starts middle school today, which is freaking me the fuck out because puberty, and mean girls, and pre-ap math, and murdering mean girls.  And yes, I'm gonna write about it. But not today. Today I'm going to annoy the shit out of my dog by following her around and taking pictures of her to post here. It's either that or start drinking at 2 in the afternoon, which I am not at all opposed to, except for the part where I have to pick up my daughter after school, and they frown on you in the carpool line when you're all sloshed and want to play "Knock The Side-View Mirror Off The Bitch's Minivan."

     So, pictures:

She had no idea what an ordeal this was going to turn into.

I'm totally going to post it.

Not today. I'm too busy taking pictures and trying not to murder mean girls.

Then it was self-defense.

Razor burn is a little irritating. This is down right annoying.

Victory is mine.

     No mean girls were murdered during the production of this post. But it's only Monday. And it's gonna be a long fuckin' year...

 

Nobody Look At Me. I'm Writing. In Public.

Or looking at Facebook. Or playing Candy Crush. The important thing is, I look busy and thoughtful.

     I'm trying something different today, something I have always been averse to doing for two reasons. The first is, I'm not terribly comfortable in public spaces. The second is, I've had this tendency to think of people who work on their laptops in coffee shops as douchebags. I recognize this as completely irrational. I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now. Working on my laptop. So either I'm a douchebag (I can actually hear some of you screaming "Fuck yeah!" as you read this), OR there are actually good reasons why people choose to hang out in public spaces and do some work. 

     My problem is, I've never had an office job. (Actually, I've never really looked at that as a problem; I'm talking perspective here.) So I've never had that feeling of being cooped up, stifled, looking at the same cubicle or office walls every day, wishing I could just get out for a while, that I'd be so much more productive and happy if I could work someplace that wasn't HERE. That makes sense to me. It's also probably why you don't find a lot of free wi-fi in bars (because I've looked). 

     My actual problem with trying to work in a public space like this is I'm so easily distracted. Like the man and woman sitting at the table next to me, both in power suits, and when I first got here they were both working on their laptops, and I know they were working because I couldn't understand a damn thing they were saying, because I don't speak Spreadsheets or Power Point or Outlook. But now they're watching YouTube videos, and it's not like I'm eavesdropping, because they have the volume turned up to "Irritating," and I think they're watching every parody of Miley Cyrus' video "Wrecking Ball" that's ever been made ( two gazillion and counting), and now they're flirting with each other, but it's morning, and you're not supposed to flirt in the morning because you have coffee breath. But I notice that they're both wearing wedding rings, so I guess it's okay to flirt with your spouse, even with coffee breath, but then I immediately go to What if they're not married to each other?,  and now I really wish I'd gotten a better look at those spreadsheets, because what if they're hatching a plan to murder their spouses and collect the insurance and flee to Bora Bora? Two well-dressed people like that probably would use one or more applications in Microsoft Office to plan that out, wouldn't they? And they both just simultaneously looked over at me, and now I'm thinking, Shit. They know I know. Now I have to get the hell out of this coffee shop, before I wind up on their Excel Murder Plan.

     This was a terrible idea. I came here to get out of my comfort zone, because that's what you're supposed to do from time to time. And now I'm on the run from an attractive, power-suited, evil business couple, who have obviously added me to their hit-list, and just because I sat at the one table I could find near a fucking power outlet. I should have stayed at home and dialed up this website, which provides you with free coffee-house background noise, which is supposed to boost your creativity, without the risk of overhearing a murder plot, which probably didn't happen and I just made that shit up. 

     I'm not sure. I need more coffee.